Since I do not posses an auto biographical memory I can’t recall when it was in my past that I entered into a discussion about the point where bread transitions into toast. I can not tell you who I entered into the discussion with nor can I tell you what my position was on this hot-button topic. I can only tell you that at some point I was in such a discussion and when it was over I was of the firm opinion that until bread has completed whatever the intended cook time is in the toasting process it is not yet toast. Part of me is sad to admit that such a discussion even occurred but I feel it important to divulge in order to continue on with the utterly minor thing that annoyed me today when observing the buttons on a Hamilton Beach toaster.
I can understand a Bagel button, I can even get behind a Frozen Bagel button, but a Frozen Toast button?!? If you are taking a loaf of frozen bread, peeling off a slice and dropping it into the toaster that’s still frozen bread. I may even to as far as to say that it is the complete polar opposite of what toast is. Frozen bread is the antagonist to toast’s protagonist isn’t it? In my world toast is completely tolerant and kind to frozen bread but can’t wait for it to grow up and become toast already!
Now I understand that some of you may believe that the moment you put the slice into the toaster slot that is the magical point of toast creationism and I won’t fault you for your beliefs, as wrong as they may be, but let me try to convert you. I think it is pretty clear that what you hold in your hand prior to depositing it into the slot is a hunk of frozen bread. I also understand that you would not choose this button until you have pressed the toasting chamber down, but if you immediately press that cancel button do you really hold in your hand a piece of frozen toast? Heck no! There is only one time that this button, for me, makes any type of sense: if I truly had some pre-toasted bread that I, for whatever insane reason, decided to not eat and instead froze and later decided to toast again so I could eat it. I don’t know why I would commit such a heinous act as letting bread ripen with heat to the glory that is toast only to cruelly throw said toast into a frozen tundra but if I did this button would clearly be the one I would press when I was ready to eat it.
Please Hamilton Beach, for the sake of all that is decent and right in this world, rename this button. I implore you to do so
if for no other reason other than letting me sleep instead of worrying about what this button is truly for.
Now I want some toast.
-Will
